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Veto

Originating from the first century A.D. in Roman Carthage,Veto Terullian was a governor of great temper and the first Roman ruler to publicly adopt Christian values. It was his belief that a pure existence led to a more godly existence, and he mercilessly forbade any extravagances in the city. Veto passed away five months after taking office, having developed an impacted digestive system, several internal infections, and urine poisoning as a result of his own forbidding of "the passing of waste from the holy temple of the body". Though short of reign, Veto's mark was felt very heavily and his passing was received with great ridicule among the populace.

Oxymoron

A childish taunt originating from the southern region of Japan, circa 1375. It was common for children in elementary care to tease each other by calling each other morons ("mortons" in the regional dialect) as a challenge to the other child to come up with an even greater insult. "Oxymort" was considered four times worse than "morton", preceded by "demimort" and "petramort". "Gigamorton" was considered the ultimate insult, although in 1377 this too was topped by "Gigamorton Plus".

The term "oxymort"came under heavy fire for its seemingly contradictory use on the playgrounds. It was postulated that if you really wanted to insult someone, stupid-head, then you would go from "morton" straight to "Gigamorton" without messing around with "oxymort". The term quickly became considered a half-hearted attempt. An insult that counteracted itself by insulting the insulter for his or her laziness. This interpretation was only a short leap from the term's modern meaning.

Strict tariff laws present in Asia in the 1400's added the "-on" suffix to "oxymort", making it the word we know today, More or less. I have no idea where the t went.

Quack

A near-phonetic spelling of the vocalization from ducks, this term first appeared as the Greek "kwalk" (the l was silent) and was coined by a doctor by the name of Neren Varhosk. Operating out of a port city in the southern provinces of Greece, Varhosk came into contact with a myriad of diseases, maladies that spanned every shore of the Mediterranean Sea. Thinking that these diseases shared a common origin, and aware of the prevalent population of ducks that swam the inlets to the port, Varhosk theorized that a duck's cry (or "kwalk") played a role in exacerbating disease, or perhaps even providing infection in the first place.

Varhosk took his theory to the port city council and sea merchant guilds, urging a mass extermination of the duck population in the city. Though skeptical at first, both organizations eventually buckled to Varhosk's demands and instituted a massive duck hunt.

Extermination came quickly to the water fowl, and within a span of five months no ducks were left. Shortly afterwards, however, a ship arriving from the horn of Africa carried an outbreak of malaria to the port city. This, combined with the avian flu that was released when the duck blood mixed in with the city's drinking water, served to fell much of the population of the port.

Varhosk was quickly run out of town and the word "kwalk" associated with his theories and work.

"Kwalk" became quack through a series of changes, the first of them being a Greek embargo on the letter K, enacted in 848 B.C., forcing the substitution of q's and c's in place of k's. One hundred and seventy years later, Europe suffered under a serious drought of w's, and "qwalc" was given a u in place of its w. This act of charity on the part of "qualc" was recognized by the Greek parliament and it was granted back one of its k letters.

The term "qualck" underwent its final change under the Christian Roman government, where it was the fashion to keep those that were silent also unseen. To avoid carrying the stigma of the brazenly silent, the l was dropped from the term.

Aqua

Originating in ancient times from "aque", which was the sound one would hear if you tried to say the word "water" while underwater.

Deviating from the Spanish "agua", the modern spelling of the term came about in the late 1600's when a land surveyor in the New World mistook the g in agua for a q. Lazy qrinqos gringos.

Vegetarian

This term originates from Victorian-era England where a small group of men and women who refused to ingest meat formed the Herbivorous Society of Gentle Folk. To gain a larger platform for their culinary beliefs it was decided by the Society that a more general, and easier to remember, term for their lifestyle would help cement their place in British culture.

"Herbivores" was considered too old and term and furthermore too associated with lumbering, slow extinct creatures. In the end, the Society voted to enact the term "vegetarian" as their descriptive, narrowly winning out over the equally popular term "pearite".

Ion

Coined in 1628 in France by Descartes, who did not believe in atomism or a universe consisting of moving particles, but was mad at his partner Gassendi at the time for achieving some success through publishing a paper on the existence of those very subjects. Descartes publicly derided Gassendi by fabricating "ions", which Descartes described to the public as "you know, like, lightning? Those are ions, dudes."

The scientific community of the time agreed that ions were indeed awesome, certainly more so than atoms, and Gassendi's theories fell out of favor. Descartes utilized the interest around his fake theorem to become a minor celebrity and went on speaking tours. The money from these tours was parlayed into many ion merchandising offshoots. Most famous of them was a product called "ion tonic", which claimed it could cure any sort of malady one had by "re-energizing the body". (Although the product was mostly cocaine distilled in syrup.)

A jealous scientist lover, Gassendi reacted by exposing the fraudelence of Descartes claims, even though exposing ions as frauds hurt Gassendi's own position as a positer of atomism. Brought low, Descartes apologized to Gassendi through a series of drunken letters. The two reunited and lived together in "a very serious relationship" until Descartes's passing in 1650.

In the 1800's, when electrically charged atoms were discovered, they were dubbed "ions" in honor of the fiery, tempestuous relationship between Gassendi and Descartes. A kind of relationship that many scientists, to this day, wish they could experience. (With real people, not just science.)

Interim

Created during the Spanish Inquisition in the 17th century when unemployment briefly became a state crime and idleness was considered a form of heresy, the term "interim" was utilized to signify to Inquisitors that one was "between jobs", i.e. "in the interim I've been traveling...doing some painting".

The term came back into popular use during Herbert Hoover's American presidency when, during a speech in 1931, a frustrated Hoover tried to soothe the nation regarding the persisting Depression. "My fellow Americans. Just...this whole Depression, it's an interim thing for America. We're just taking a break, you know? And I encourage this. If you need to get your shit together then get your shit together. The economy...don't get me wrong...it's important. It's SO important. But we as a nation need some time to get it right or otherwise this Depression will just continue. So, uh...stay the course. And if you're listening to this then I'm glad you haven't yet sold your radio to buy food."

Awesome

Though its exact origin is unknown, this term is believed to have developed in the Mesopotamian valley along with the first literate human societies. Its first recorded use appears in Sumerian text regarding the implementation of irrigation. The text roughly translates as, "So they dug this furrow? In the ground next to the river? And the water just came down the furrow on its own? And now we don't have to lug buckets of water around? I don't know what I'm going to do with all of this free time! It's awesome!"

Hammock

Invented in 1520 by the dread pirate Pedro Menendez de Aviles, who required a bed that would move with the rocking motions of the ship. It was dubbed "hamaca", which in the colloquial Spanish of the time meant "woozy in bed". The invention eventually proved more lucrative than Captain Pedro's plunderings and de Aviles remains one of the few pirates in history to actually retire successfully. Even after retirement, Pedro continued to sleep in hamacas, reportedly on the advice of his first mate/marketing director who urged that his personal use of his product "brings a lot of integrity to the brand".

Shampoo

From the Hindi word "champo", a predominantly Sri Lankan term for the sea lather that would gather along the coastline after a monsoon. It was believed that rinsing yourself in this lather would cleanse you of your sins ("adharma" in Hindi) from the past year. The actual physical cleansing one went through in the lather was considered a physical manifestation of one's absence of sin. As the centuries progressed, this practice waned and "champo" evolved into "shampoo", which came to mean "cleanest and therefore best".

Today, shampoo companies keep the phrase "lather, rinse, repeat" on their packages as guidance for the soul. And also so you will use up the shampoo faster and have to buy more.

Flummox

The first historical record of this term appears in the law books of Great Britain circa 1885. That year new provisions were passed under the Criminal Law Amendment Act illustrating to constables and police the various levels of public acts of homosexuality and the action to be taken for each.

1.) Dandying. Men who are judged as being overly flirtatious with each other. Officers were instructed to approach the men with a warning and to see that the two of them seperated at once, with each walking the opposite direction from each other.

2.) Twitterpation. Overt public hand-holding or nose-nuzzling. An immediately arrestable offense, each man would be sentenced to the public stocks for three days.

3.) Flummox. A blanket clause that allowed an officer to arrest men on the suspicion of homosexuality and/or on witnessing any physical congress between men. The punishment for this varied with the offense.

4.) Buggery. The act of men engaging in carnal relations with each other that were not acts of war, sport, or theater. This was an arrestable offense and both men involved faced two to five years in prison, along with the stripping of their assets and holdings.

Though odd in phrasing, the law went unquestioned until the death of Lord Theussen from Parliament in 1889. While his affairs were being set in order it was discovered that a mischevious servant had written the articles on homosexuality into the Criminal Law Amendment Act four years past as a comment on the Lord's chief groundsman. The groundsman, at the time, had been making many unwarranted advances towards the servant.

The servant himself testified in front of Parliament to confirm the fraud of the articles, putting forth that he had made them all up on the spot. The word "flummox", he insisted, wasn't even real. "It was just something I put in so anyone reading would become confused and realize the articles were a joke."

The law itself was never repealed although a court ruling in 1932 found that enforcement of the first three articles of the law could not be conducted without the officers breaking that very law. In an effort to clean up the government, the Labour party has moved for removal of the law, and the task is currently on the docket for 2012, as soon as the Olympics are over.

Tornado

This term is a rare example of a purposely imposed linguistic evolution. In the early 1700's the Spanish and the Cherokee joined forces in order to ensure the destruction of the Chickasaw tribe and the seizure of their lands for antagonistic and strategic reasons. The Cherokee, knowing that the Chickasaw were accustomed to Spanish war technology as well as Cherokee mystical invocation, proposed a strategy of "shock and awe".

The Spanish-Cherokee forces would offer to treat with the Chickasaw, but only during an impending thunder storm. During the meeting, a Spanish and Cherokee representative would arrive in tandem and claim that the combination of their native magics had mastered the control of "the turning storm"...the "tornado". (The term itself was a melding of the Spanish "tronada" and Cherokee "unole".) The representatives went on to claim that if the Chickasaw did not open their territory to the Spanish-Cherokee alliance then the Chickasaw would be forcibly removed by tornado.

The representatives were promptly killed for such grandiose claims, but the term lived on in the Chickasaw as a source of mocking bravado and tribal hunters, while wrestling and pinning their prey to the ground for the final kill, would often joke that the animal had brought down a "tornado of pain" upon itself.

Retorted

Though the word "retort" had been a part of the English language for several centuries, this past tense verb term did not enter common usage until after 1858. That year, British armed forces successfully quashed the Sepoy Rebellion in India and took over full rule of the nation. Upon retaking the city of Delhi, Captain Hodson ordered a volley of synchronous cannon fire shot off to mark the occasion and over the cannon fire was heard to cry out the phrase "You are retorted!" to the fleeing Indian soldiers.

Historians insist that what Captain Hodson spoke was actually something quite different. Nevertheless, "you are retorted!" became a popular victory phrase among his regiment.

Today, the phrase has resurfaced as a common, if baffling, cry of victory during professional chess matches.

Spat

During the late 1700's, in an effort to please his continually materialistic wife, Dutch shipping baron Klaus Fernhooven bought her a farm full of horses that she would be able to care for and ride to her heart's extent. (And that, god willing, would keep her away from him for most of each day.) He was therefore surprised, although he later conceded that he should not have been, when she returned within hours from the horse farm complaining that her fine clothes became muddied while riding the graceful creatures.

At wit's end, Fernhooven had a craftsman create stylish shielding for his wife's shoes and leggings that she could wear while riding. Though Klaus took the extra precaution of making the shielding stylish enough to be worn during every day use, his wife nevertheless derided them as the most hideous inventions ever. She further claimed that to wear them would ruin her social standing for forever and a day, and that he must truly despise her for going to the effort of fashioning such mockeries of clothing for her. In a huff, Fernhooven's wife slapped him and left the manor.

Perturbed but undetered, Klaus took to wearing the shin-sized shieldings himself, and called them "spats", in wry honor of the argument he and his wife had over the item.

Later that year, his wife reversed her position as spats became fashionable and decreed that he was trying to make her look a fool for wearing what she still considered her own spats. Klaus argued to his wife that she was being unreasonable and the two had a heated spat, whereupon she spat on his spats and left the manor once more. It was most unkind of her.

Syzygy

Created in the year 1011 AD by the writer Byrhtferð while he was assembling the order of the Latin letters that would become the modern English alphabet. To prove the reliability and elasticity of his new alphabet, it was requested that Byrhtferð create a word with no vowels. The writer cheated and penned the term "syzygy" as a dig against those who required proof from his alphabet. (Many a person that year found out that syzygy, once they asked Byrhtferð, meant "you are invited to create intercourse with yourself in a most disturbing and public manner".)

How this meaning became later applied to Gnostic mythology is not known, though recent studies have revealed that the writer was a great admirer of Gnostic porn, especially of blasphemous aeon threesomes.

Scrunt

This term originated from the 2006 movie Lady In The Water, a very poor film by an otherwise intriguing director/writer. A scrunt is apparently a mythical wolf? Made of grass and mud? And it's afraid of Freddy Rodriguez and monkeys that are also made of grass and mud? Yeah, I don't know. You won't either.

It ate Bob Balaban. BAD DOG.

Nog

Nog began as an impromptu breakfast created by a lazy Croatian carpenter in 1683. Hungover from the day before, the carpenter mindlessly beat a half dozen eggs into paste, adding his remaining vodka and a little sugar in as an afterthought. The resulting brew was invigorating to the drunk and that coming Christmas he decided to mix a batch and gift it to all of his neighbors and regular customers. (Even the ones displeased by the irregularly shaped replacement wheels on their carts.) In naming the substance, the Croatian chose a title that would remind the drinker of your everyday grog while at the same time differentiating the eggy liquer from other alcoholic drinks. Thus, he named it "nog".

(Also, bog, cog, dog, fog, gog, hog, jog, kog, and log were already taken.)

Bitch-sip

A sip of one's drink meant to convey an unspoken insult after a particularly damning statement, this term was created this evening in my living room while watching Spider-Man. In particular, during the scene where the Norman Osborn character is ousted by his board of directors. This plot development is summarized by the chairman of the board with a harsh "You're out...Norman" and punctuated with a long, slow, femmy bitch-sip of his tea.

This development turns out to be the final motivator in turning Norman Osborn into the villianous Green Goblin, demonstrating the devastating social potency of the modern day bitch-sip.

Marmalade

This substance found its modern name at a party during the Italian Renaissance when its name was mumbled through a mouth full of food. Though many historials believe that the phrase being uttered was actually "What do you want?", it was nonetheless mistaken for "marmalade", and so the sweet apple preserve began a new life under this moniker.

As the centuries progressed, marmalade became a treasured treat in troop rations and was often given to children in newly occupied territories as a way to humanize the soldiers that had just burned down their cities. It spread throughout all of Europe in this manner, and it is believed that marmalade's association with such terror and fiery violence is the main reason that it was paired with toast during breakfasts.

Flipper

This word's first appearance was in Oceanic Life Monthly, a periodical directed towards traders and seaman of the early 1800's. Included with articles, interviews, and "seafaring bachelor of the month" pieces was a review of ocean-dwelling lifeforms column written by Mort Ingersoll. Due to Mort's irascible nature (he was a sailor until a freak winching accident claimed both of his legs) most of the sea life he reviewed in OLM fared poorly

The dolphin was no exception to this. Mort blasted the creature for its overly competitive nature in racing ships that left port, its inability to develop a written language, the poor, soggy taste of its meat, and its cavalier attitude towards life in spite of all of these perceived shortcomings. Mort wrote in summary in the review: "Were I still allowed the use of my god-given legs, I would find the nearest dolphin and kick it and kick it and kick it mercilessly and unceasingly. Still it would smile, I wager, still it would wiggle happily under this onslaught! And this is why it is one of the biggest mistakes in all of creation. The dolphin is flippant from its nose to its tail, underbelly to blowhole, from flippant flippering flipper to flippant flippering flipper!"

Mort followed this statement by assigning the dolphin a grade of "D minus", though very few sea creatures that Mort reviewed ever ranked above a C. Due to the exclusionary nature of ocean travel, sailors would read and re-read the periodical. And so it was such that a few months after Mort's dolphin review saw print it had already become a regular part of a sailor's vocabulary.

Although OLM ceased publication five years after the publication of the dolphin review, Mort continued to write scathing articles on ocean life up until the point of his death twenty-eight years later. Upon his death, these unpublished articles were willed to Mort's longtime friend, Herman Melville.

Hiccup

The evolution of this term is complex and almost too boring for words. Its beginnings stem from a popular form of vocal acrobatics called "hocket", used primarily in European sacred vocal choirs in the 13th century. (Although by the 14th century the technique had spread to secular vocal music.) In a hocket, two voices move (sometimes quickly) back-and-forth in such a manner that one voice is still while the other moves, and vice-versa.

The seeming interruption in melody came to be known as "hocketing" and the term quickly came to popular use in Notre Dame's castrati dormitories. Boys who hiccuped after meals were commonly teased with "practicing their hocketing".

Hocketing's pronunciation was transformed to the modern "hiccuping" in 1560, when Pope Pius V directed the Church to outlaw the use of the letter "t" and substitute "p" in its stead in hopes of destabilizing the Protestants.

(see also: "Word of the Day: Pip" and "1560: The Year of the Capholic Church")

Beer

The drinkable substance of beer has been in existence since the Sumerians developed the first city-states, but "beer" as a term for hops & barley spirits did not come into popularity until the year 999 A.D., when an entire monastery located in the kingdom of Leon celebrated the turn of the first millenium by breaking their vows and consuming the beverage.

The cause of the vow-breaking was traced to a monk by the name of Alfons, who convinced the monkhouse that the coming of the year 1000 was synonymous with the second coming of their lord. To greet him in proper celebration, Alfons explained, they would all need to imbibe barrels full of a substance he called "beir" (A word that, in Leonese, meant "to become sleepy yet argumentative".) in order to ready themselves for Him.

The barrels, provided by a local importer by the name of Schaeffer, were opened on the evening of the last day of the year 999. The monks drank deep and what resulted was a night of same-sex carnality. Monks were derobed, jokes were told very loudly, and the gardens were absolutely ruined. The drunken pursuits continued until the morning when, much to the monks' surprise, Jesus did not materialize. The story of the monastery's trespass against their own faith spread quick and far and the brothers, unable to bear the shame, hung themselves en masse shortly after.

Schaeffer saw a rare marketing opportunity in the mass suicide and began to market his hops as "beir", in hopes of imbuing his drink with "a sense of fun" and "no inhibitions". The campaign was wildly successful and one could hardly travel through Europe without seeing an advertisement for the beer.

The term "beer" suffered another challenge a decade later, as several wandering minstrel groups by the name of "Free Grog" challenged others by the name of "Free Beer" to a minstrel-off. Though it was both groups' intent to destroy the other in a bloody minstrel melee, Schaeffer once again turned the prospect of massive death into a marketing opportunity, proposing that all groups instead would perform in a three-day "summerfest" event that Schaeffer would "sponsor".

Held in southern England, the festival was an enormous success, and Schaeffer himself was knighted only a week later by a giggly, off-balance King Aethelred.

Clap

Originating from the Norse word "kleppen" which meant "to clobber one surface upon the other with resounding force again and again and again". The word enjoyed many different uses, for example, kleppen could often be heard from spectators cheering on a bloodthirsty pair of Viking fighters mercilessly kleppen at each other. The term also found use in describing food preparation, sports, hammering, sexual intercourse, and many other activities involving some form of pounding.

As Viking society began to decline, bloodsport became less exciting, and so kleppen was shortened to "klap" as a form of disdain for what many believed to be half-hearted efforts from Vikings attempting to brain each other.

They weren't too fond of the veneral disease, either.